Dreamland

Twenty-five years ago today I stopped being an only child and became a big sister. Happy birthday, Ryno! We had a lot of great times growing up. We shared a bedroom at our first house and would stay up late making human bridges between our beds. Then, when we moved, we created tree forts and Rollerblade ramps and tents out of Dad's paint tarps. For several years I was also really mean to him. I am not proud of who I was for that, and I can't explain it. Sibling rivalry/squabbles, but also truly mean sometimes. He was an easy target, being younger than me, and I guess it made me feel powerful. I hate having to admit that I gleaned power from putting someone else down, but I wasn't the best big sister sometimes. I try to make up for it now by encouraging him to find his path and follow his dreams. I've stopped calling him names, too, so there's that ;)

En route to the babysitter this morning Norah and I had a great conversation about dreams. I explained to her that our brains house all of our memories and information and that while we sleep random bits are thrown forward, making us dream. She had a nightmare about Scooby Doo, which we talked through a bit. I had a dream about a grungy biker guy (reminiscent of Justin Bobby from "The Hills") trying to kiss me. I kept that dream to myself.

I've always been fascinated with trying to deciper the meaning or cause behind dreams. I think our subconscious minds sort through a lot while we sleep; I try, when I can, to pause for a moment upon waking and remember as many details of my dreams as possible. Anxiety I didn't know was festering has been discovered this way; guilt, sadness, anticipation, or just plain nonsense can be determined, too. I don't know if last night's bad boy interlude signifies unsown oats (too late now... no biker boys for me!) or worry that I've done something for which I should apologize. Sometimes dreams are beyond our comprehension. I find that that fact makes them all the more powerful. Writers comb the world around them for inspiration, insight into the human character, a trigger for enlightenment. Dreams are an endless brainstorm for me, and I think I should start recording and sifting through them more often. Maybe a grungy Justin Bobby will figure in my to-be-written novel.

Justin Bobby... oddly similar to dream guy

As the new school year approaches, I'm also beginning a new venture. I'm not ready to announce just yet as little to nothing has been accomplished, but encouragement and prayers are welcome. The new and unknown can be so scary and intimidating, but that's no reason to fight for what you want. I'm going after it, uncertainty and fear in tow. Hopefully I can remember to dance in the face of whatever obstacles come my way. In the immortal words of Maurice Sendak, "Let the wild rumpus begin!"

Tying the knot

Like the best-laid plans, my blogging endeavor has hit a major speedbump. I can't seem to find the time to sit down and type these days. Summer is winding down (but at full speed) and our calendar keeps getting fuller. Norah starts Pop Warner cheerleading practice this week, we've got back-to-school shopping to complete, and we're trying to cram in all of the outings and swims and fun summer activities we can before we're back to the grind. The last few weeks have been so hot that we haven't been able to do as much outdoors as we would have liked. I'vr been sans children so far today, so I took a towel and my book to the backyard for an hour of sun. I figured I'd better take advantage of my freedom while I could.

Levi stayed over at Grandma and Grandpa's last night, and they wanted to keep him through the morning to show him off at church. Norah road-tripped to Ohio with Zach's parents to take some family members home from a visit. When she called last night to say that they'd made it, she was giggling up a storm over the fact that they were belly-flopping on the bed.  

The kiddos were off on their sleepovers so Zach and I could go to a wedding on the lake in our hometown for two of our friends from high school. It was absolutely beautiful. The weather was PERFECT, with a gorgeous sunset and just the right amount of chill once the stars came out. The food and drinks were quite good, there was a marimba player and a DJ, an awesome fireworks show, and paper lanterns for the guests to light and release into the night sky. I especially enjoyed that because it reminded me of Disney's "Tangled", one of the Wild family favorites. My husband's favorite? The Patron fountain. That's right, folks, Patron was literally flowing. He had to wipe a tear from his eye before he thrust his cup under one of the holy streams. Most importantly, it was a lovely evening celebrating a lovely couple.

One of my favorite parts of attending weddings is listening to the vows. I do's are a reminder of the promises the hubs and I made, and hearing them again sort of slows down the chaos of life for a moment and brings me back to what really matters--love. Marriage doesn't equal perfection. Marriage is a choice that must be made over and over and over, and it's not always an easy one. Vows remind me that though marriage is sometimes more work than pleasure, it's good work, the kind of work that creates memories and children and safety and a sense of finally being whole. Last night's wedding may have resembled "Tangled", but there is no fairy tale. There's only the joining of two imperfect souls working toward some type of peaceful imperfection together.

I'm going to make an effort to blog more frequently (I don't want to say every day because then inevitably that wouldn't happen) and to focus more on others rather than myself. There's so much negativity in the world right now and I'd like to do my part to spread some joy.

If you're married, go tell your spouse something sweet. Make the work a little lighter today.

Colorado part deux

See the previous post if you want to get caught up on the beginning of our recent Colorado trip. Before we left downtown Denver, we stumbled upon the Firefighter Museum. Zach totally geeked out over the old trucks, tools, and uniforms. It was really neat to see photographs of giant factory fires from the early 1900's and read stories of how the fire alarm we know today came to be. A group of preschoolers were there for a birthday party, all donning fire boots, coats, and helmets, and they were LOVING all of the equipment. It was neat to learn about the history of the profession, and to spend an hour away from the 95 degree heat. Zach grabbed a Denver FD shirt on our way out and we headed to the hotel.

Wedding location

We stayed in Lone Tree, Colorado, at an Extended Stay hotel with a small kitchenette. Not a bad way to spend a long weekend, and the area was quite ritzy--lots of restaurants and giant houses on golf courses. After meeting the bride and groom and their families, we headed to a nearby park for the wedding rehearsal and then went to Thai Basil for a delicious rehearsal dinner. It was so great to get to know everyone a bit better. I could really see why Zach became such great friends with the guys in Afghanistan. It had been nearly seven years since they'd seen each other, but they were caught up and cracking jokes within minutes. They all seemed giddy to be together again. We've already discussed making an annual get-together a must.

Wedding party and my ever-appropriate husband

The wedding itself was gorgeous. The bride and her family did almost everything themselves--the centerpieces; bouquets; jewelry, veil, and petticoat; music, favors, and dessert were all put together by the bride, her sister, her best friend, or their parents. It was a Pinterest lover's dream to see everything come together! I've been toying with the idea of becoming a wedding planner for a while now, and with my best friend Leslie's recent engagement and the homegrown Szambelan wedding the fire is now burning bright. I've been doing some online research on how to get started, and I plan to document every step of planning Leslie's nuptials to see where I can go from there. Contacts or advice are welcome from anyone with some experience in this field!

The Army buddies and the officiant just before the ceremony. Zach took a lot of flak for the shorts/boat shoes combo, but I think he looks rather dapper.

The wedding was at Chatfield State Park near the reservoir. Foothills were visible in the distance underneath a giant western sky. It was hot during the ceremony, but the winds came in and cooled us off for the delicious barbecue dinner and pie.

Zach on our way down from 11,000 feet

View of the last mile of Fall River Road

The next day Zach and I took off for Estes Park. My family has been vacationing there since I was 6 months old. It meant a lot to be able to share that huge part of my life with my husband. We set out on our trip with the intention of making our own memories and traditions, but I couldn't help but squealing with excitement when I recognized a landmark. We took Old Fall River Road, a one-way gravel road with lots of switchbacks and a steep drop-off all the way up to the Alpine Center at 11,700-some feet. When we left Denver that morning it was 92 degrees, but when we reached the summit it had dropped to 53. I immediately went inside to buy a hoodie and we snapped pictures to prove we'd made it up there as fast as we could. We were lucky enough to pass by a giant moose (which prompted us to pick up a stuffed version for Norah's souvenir) and a herd of elk along our trip. We also stopped at the Alluvial Fan, a leftover waterfall of sorts from a 1980's flash flood. We climbed up about halfway together, but then I stayed poised on a safe, flat rock in the middle of the water as Zach scrambled up toward a giant boulder. I realized I have lost the American Gladiator bravery and nimbleness I once possessed. I had to analyze each possible route to take before moving a step for fear of falling in the rushing water. It was so much fun to enjoy nature together, though. We also saw the Stanley Hotel (home of the amazing "The Shining") on our daytrip.

Our last day in Colorado was spent perusing the giant mall near our hotel and catching an afternoon showing of "Savages" before heading to the airport. It was a completely wonderful trip full of great finds and sightseeing, new friends, and some alone time for the Wild couple.



Alluvial Fan



Donning my must-buy hoodie!



Mr. Moose!

Denver's courthouse

A locker at the Firefighter's Museum

** In light of last night's tradegy in Aurora, Colorado, I am thinking of our trip with a heavier heart. It's saddening to think that we were within an hour of the shooting just a week ago. I cannot stop thinking of the families of those affected and wishing this could have been prevented somehow. Makes me appreciate my loved ones even more today.**

Colorado catch-up #1

I'm back! What a wonderful trip. This was the first time Zach and I have gone anywhere sans children since our honeymoon, and I think having a baby made us appreciate this trip even more than our honeymoon, actually. We flew out of Chicago Midway Thursday morning on a 5:55 flight to Denver. Back up a few hours (12 to be exact) and that's when our trip really began.

We dropped Norah off to her mom after a fun afternoon at the La Porte County Fair. Norah loves getting her face painted, even though she usually scratches or washes the paint off within an hour, so we let her go for broke and get this:

Then we packed up the car with pretty much everything Jeff and Holly could need to watch Levi (including a stroller, baby bath, exersaucer, bottles, formula, food, snacks, toys, books, clothes,Tylenol and Orajel, swim diapers, regular diapers, wipes, blankets, and carseat), Levi himself, and Pippa, because she was heading to the farm for the week, too. Upon reaching Jeff and Holly's we realized that we'd forgotten one item: the pack and play. For those of you without children, this is essential. It's like a travel crib. For a kid who can crawl being contained during sleep time is a must. I already felt guilty about disrupting his routine and making him sleep in a strange place, but to forget the actual bed? Fail. (To be fair, packing the pack and play was Zach's job. I had packed and set EVERYTHING else by the front door for him to load and had asked him to grab the pack and play out of the basement storage room. Being the control-freak that I am, however, I still took the blame for not double-checking my mental list before we took off.) Luckily, Holly wanted Dairy Queen, which required a trip into town anyway, so we left them our house key and took off. We stopped at Panera for dinner before continuing to the Midway Park, Ride, and Fly lot. Upon arriving at Midway around 9:30 p.m. we were told that 1) you cannot check into a Southwest flight more than 4 hours before the flight and 2) the counter is closed during the night and doesn't reopen until 4 a.m. This meant we had 6 1/2 hours to kill in the departures area. No carpet, no soft chairs, no real food. It was my idea to fend for ourselves in the airport and find adventures, but I imagined sleeping and eating as a part of said adventures. Before I could start stressing out, we heard a live band playing patriotic music and headed toward it. Turns out a flight containing nearly 100 WWII Navy vets was landing and countless Patriot Riders and family members had turned up with flags to welcome them in. We stood near the Chicago Fire Department bagpipe band and watched as each veteran was wheeled by. A handful walked, and one adorable man did a little jig as he passed us. It was incredibly moving--the music, the crowds applauding, and those who had served our country 50 years ago combined for a magical experience. I teared up as Zach took pictures and clapped. It was a wonderful way to spend our first hour as airport campers.

We spent the rest of the night alternating reading, cat-napping, walking around, and random yoga-ing (that was my 2:30 contribution.) Our flght went smoothly and we headed to downtown Denver for a few hours before meeting up with Zach's friend Dan for the wedding rehearsal. We'd decided to try as many new places as we could, so our first mission was to find a non-Starbucks coffee shop. Then we wandered toward the courthouse and city-center where we stumbled upon something we've never seen in northwest Indiana--food trucks! Each Tuesday and Thursday around 40-50 specialty food trucks head to the center for a couple of hours. People head over during their lunch breaks and try things like Argentinian BBQ, crock pot meals, fancy food on sticks, pulled pork, and ice cream (to name only a few!) We chose the Denver Cupcake Truck and snagged their specialty that week, bacon-chocolate, as well as a lemon curd cupcake for me. The salty-sweet combo of former was quite good, but it was really heavy on the chocolate. The lemon cupcake was quite possibly the best cupcake I have ever had. That fest is just one of the things that made Zach and I wish we could move to Denver.

A fogged-lens view of some of the food trucks in downtown Denver

I'll chronicle the rest of our trip in my next post. It's so great having Levi around again, and Norah is here for the next four days, so I'm going to go enjoy my kiddos and maybe hit the gym. It's good to be home :)

Wild child

Last night before bed, per our usual bedtime ritual, I read to Norah for a bit. She chose the old How Does it Work? book Zach had from his childhood. We read the page about magnets, electromagnets, and engines. Riveting stuff. We did touch on compasses, though, so today, when she and I took the dog for a long walk around the neighborhood, I decided we needed to apply that knowledge a bit to our make-believe. We found some woods between two streets and went on a survival mission through it. I asked her what she had in her survival pack, like a compass, matches, a canteen, food, tools, weapons, etc. She replied that she didn't have a pack because she's so resourceful she can scavenge and make all of those things herself using her environment. Damn. Still, though, it was fun to get away from the TV, use our imaginations a bit, and connect with the outdoors. I so badly wish we lived in the country sometimes. We stopped in the lawn of a factory on Whirlpool with incredibly lush, soft grass (how they avoided the draught the rest of us are facing I don't know.) We took our shoes off and ran around, and I told her that was exactly how I spent my childhood: barefoot and wild outside. I hope she can experience some of that wonder, as well.

The rest of the day we're doing stuff around the house. Norah and I just made glitter pen pictures, and when Levi wakes from his nap we're heading to Valpo to do some pre-trip shopping for things like allergy pills and sunscreen. Tomorrow night Zach and I are dropping off the children and heading to Chicago to camp out at the airport for our crack of dawn flight. I decided it'd be more economical, and more fun, to find adventures at O'Hare than to pay for a hotel room we'd only be in for a few hours. I'm really looking forward to some people watching, some magazine reading, and some awkward/uncomfortable dozing on the departures floor. Is that weird that I'm looking forward to something I described as awkward and uncomfortable? Anyway, when we return I'll post tons of pics from our time in the Rockies. Cannot wait to be out west! Check my facebook if you want to see some snapshots while we're there. As they say on "Looney Tunes," Bon Voyah-gee!

Where are you?

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about my location. I don't mean my literal location but rather my metaphorical place in life. My current landscape is a bit of a contradiction. On one hand, it's vastly different from where I imagined I'd be a few years ago. On the other hand, being a wife, mother, and high school teacher sums up the traditional future I was destined to hold. It kind of seems like the universe has a way of correcting your path. Like how they say we make plans and God laughs? It ended up not mattering where I thought I'd be because I ended up here anyway. The only thing that worries me is that I might let here define me. There's still a soul inside of me itching to be bigger, a me that's full of wanderlust and curiosity and dreams that cross oceans and cultures and titles like mom or wife or teacher.  

This morning I sat over coffee for two hours catching up with an old friend. He and I connected in high school and college over writing and films and a sense that we were meant to be friends somehow. We live thousands of miles apart now, and lead two strikingly different lives, but that connection has not faded. He was in awe a little bit over the fact that I have a baby and a "real life," but in his next breath, however, he'd correct himself and say that it makes perfect sense. I like to think that when you live in the life you have, really settle in and become your true self, you bring a sense of peace. Friends have said that I'm surprisingly relaxed for a first-time mom, but I think it's because I've begun to embody this role. I no longer feel like I'm playacting as a wife and mother. I AM those things. Being a mom has become as much a part of me as being a blonde, as breathing or thinking or loving. I am where I'm supposed to be.

Where my terrain becomes uneven is with Norah. The ground of step-parenting is rocky and challenging and, to be honest, sometimes scary. I don't feel the same natural inclinations as I do with Levi. I question many of my decisions and reactions because there's another party to consider--Norah's mother. I don't want to step on any feet but yet the mama bear in me can't sit back and let things happen that she disagrees with. I want to fight for my husband's rights when he'd rather not rock the boat, and I want to insure that what's best for Norah is what's happening, regardless of which adult doesn't like it. Step-parenting can be tricky and unpleasant, and lately I've been filled with a lot of anger about the situation. I'm angry at how helpless I often feel (because, let's face it, as much as Zach treats me like his partner, the other side can discount me as "not real family" with a flippant remark and reduce me to an outsider). I'm angry that another woman will always be a part of my marriage, another woman that I don't always agree with when it comes to parenting but yet one I have to respect and work with for the benefit of our daughter. I'm angry that I've done everything I can to provide Norah with stability and structure and experiences and memories and yet that sometimes doesn't seem like enough. I know she's a child and doesn't do things on purpose, but when she'd rather be with her mother I can't help but take it personally sometimes. Mostly I'm angry at myself for how angry I am, for how much time and energy I let these worries and what ifs control. Where I am as a stepmom is atop a cliff made up of all my resentment and jealousy and fear, clinging to the edge with a sometimes tenuous grip, unsure if I should let go and just see what happens or hold on because the control freak in me thinks I can fix this.

I love my husband, and I love my step-daughter, but my position as a step-mother is not one I can say I always love. What I need to figure out now is where to go from here, and how to do so as gracefully as possible. That includes not taking out my anger on the five-year-old who's stuck in this situation as much as I am. Damnit, it's hard being an adult sometimes, but this wild life isn't one I'm giving up. If you've been there, either as a step-child or a step-parent, what can you tell me? I am open to as much advice as a girl can get, because right now, I feel like I'm failing.

Levi update: He can full-on crawl now. He is a speed demon, actually. He's also pulling himself up on any piece of furniture he can find, including unstable objects like the dog or a chair on wheels. We've had a few head bonks but he's a tough cookie. He's also got a tooth JUST UNDER the gums that's threatening to pop through any second. That means a lot of drool and snot and other fun side effects. He's as hilarious as ever, though, and such a good baby. He loves to sleep on his stomach with his head wedged into the corner of his crib and his butt up in the air. He will stop whatever he's doing if I start counting to 10, and if I say "hello" really loudly he will look at my expectantly. He tried chicken for the first time yesterday and seemed to dig it, and he really likes plums, raspberries, and strawberries.


Book update: Zach and I are flying to Denver next week, so I hope to pick up a new book or two on my Nook for the trip. I plan to reread To Kill a Mockingbird as I begin thinking about lesson plans, too. Any recommendations?

Sleep training part 1

I can't believe it's already July. The older I get, the faster time passes, that's for sure. No wonder they say youth is wasted on the young.
My cousin and her three boys, along with my aunt, headed up from Indy yesterday to join me and Norah for some time at the beach. My aunt has always found New Buffalo to be a cute place, so she requested that we go there. My boys stayed home in the A/C to avoid the heat. Levi has been really stuffy/sneezing snot everywhere, and rather cranky because of it, so he would have been no fun anyway. Norah had tons of fun with Mitchell and Logan, twins who happen to be 5 just like her. They showed each other tricks (Norah flipping her eyelids inside out equally grossed out and amazed them) and sang along to LMFAO and Gotye in the back seat. We ladies chatted in the water and enjoyed a beautiful beach day. We then headed to Oink's for some post-beach treats. The New Buffalo beach has $10 parking, which is a bit steep, but it's clean, there are bathrooms and a foot shower, and the break wall really cuts down on waves, so it was a perfect place to take the youngsters. I can't believe it took me until July to get in one of my at least three beach trips this summer, but it was a glorious day.
Tomorrow marks another exciting part of my summer--the fourth. I LOVE this holiday. I really enjoy the parade, for one thing. The flyover is exciting, I love watching the students march by, and it brings out the kid in me. Norah will be spending the parade atop the fire truck with her dad. I can't wait to wave as they pass by and snap a few great pictures. Levi will sadly miss it, but with the weather nearly reaching 100 degrees he wouldn't have had any fun anyway. Fingers crossed that next year, when he'll be toddling around, he can enjoy his first LP parade!
These days Levi is enjoying a few new things. First, he is very interested in everything we eat. He'd much rather have tiny bites of bread or fruit (today he tried plum and loved it!) than pureed baby food. I'm still trying to get him to have some Gerber's now and then for the calories, but at least he's eating. He loved yogurt for a while there, but this week he won't take more than a bite. I don't know if it's the heat, his cold, or the suspected teeth about to show, but something's off. He's also started pulling himself up to standing on everything. Any surface, including one's legs, is fair game. He just wants to move and see things. It's a whole new world for that kid. His crawling is almost "normal" now. Only every so often will he drop to his tummy and drag himself forward with his forearms. In fact, he's starting to stand up on his feet instead of his knees, a move someone recently dubbed the leapfrog. He hasn't taken off yet, but it's clear he wants the fastest method out there.
I've finally gotten over my fear of letting him cry it out in his crib. He's been sleeping in there for a while now, but we've been guilty of putting him to sleep in our arms first and then lying him in there. Being home all day every day has shown me that that's not always going to work. The crib method works just fine, though. The longest he's cried is 20 minutes. Last night I thought he was going to put up a good fight, but within 40 seconds he was out. He then proceeded to sleep for 12 hours. (During hours 10-12 I worried a little bit that he'd died in there, but I made myself leave him alone. Not dead. Phew.)
Naptimes are becoming more regular, as well. It used to be that we let him dictate his schedule, especially because we're on the go so much. He has always been a car sleeper, so we'd often just let our drive to Valpo be his nap. He's gotten to the point where he needs a 1-2 hour a.m. nap and a 2+ hour afternoon nap to be happy Levi. Today I let him take that morning doze in my arms because I was watching TV anyway, and he's sick. He's currently crying on Norah's bedroom floor, so it may be time to put him in his crib.
Sleep training Norah has been a much more involved and arduous process. I'll cover that in an upcoming post, but suffice it to say that we have had some aggravating nights as of late. Yet another struggle when parenting one child in two households.

Have a happy fourth of July, everybody! Enjoy some fireworks and act like a kid like this wild Mama intends to :)