All about perspective

Day three of my third year of teaching, and about time I got back to the blog. The lead-up to this school year was more frenetic than usual; Norah started Pop Warner cheerleading, and on top of the typical back to school preparation I wanted to squeeze in as much last-minute summer fun as possible. Pretty much as a rule I put a lot of pressure on myself. Pressure to be on top of every detail in my family's life, pressure to constantly challenge myself, improve who I am, keep up with whomever. I added pressure this summer with goals of achieving/doing/seeing/creating more than I have in the past. We did have a great summer--bike rides, swimming, our Colorado trip, a visit to a waterpark, and so on. I did start the blog I'd wanted to. I did cook more often (though my once weekly new recipe plan did not pan out as I'd hoped.) I kind of worked out regularly. I did better at keeping in touch with friends and family. Overall, I'd chalk the summer of 2012 up to a success. Norah went to the dentist for the first time (no tears!), she had to get four shots in one visit (no tears again!), and Levi started crawling and got his first tooth. I've been lucky enough to land a new freelance writing position (yay!) and am looking into other side options for both financial and personal reasons. I'm also considering taking on the school's theater program. I know how important this program is to many of my students, and while I have little experience in that realm, I think I could step up and do a great job for the kids. We'll see where that goes.

With the start of a new school year, I've been reassessing. My wardrobe (some days I just absolutely have nothing to wear!), my free time (how to spend it most effectively), my bedtime (it's never early enough), and my psyche have all come under the microscope as of late. Most disconcerting has been the latter. I'm hopeful that the general sense of anxiety I feel is due to all of the newness around me and will soon fade, but I worry that  a dark cloud appearing so early in the school year is a harbinger of worse things to come. It's possible that I'm merely adjusting to leaving Levi after so much time together. It's also possible (very possible) that I'm  psyching myself out preemptively regarding the new teacher evaluation system soon to be implemented. I'm doing my best not to add to my anxiety by worrying about feeling anxious, but true to form, I cannot turn off my brain. Similarly, I cannot turn off the self-conscious meter that returned with my 120 high schoolers. Every pair of eyes feels like it's scrutinizing my every move, word, and clothing choice. We're still working out our kinks and getting to know each other, but man do I feel on display. I thought feeling like everyone is looking at you is a phase of adolescent development, so unless I'm turning into my students, something is off. Then I get on the guilt train and tell myself, "There are people in your community truly suffering, yet you can't stop thinking of your tiny problems and turn your perspective outward. Grow up." (My internal monologue is not usually that mean, but for the sake of being concise, I paraphrased.)  I don't know when or how I'll truly find the confidence I claim to have. I had a conversation last night with a business owner, and she reminded me that when you invest yourself in your work, you never rest on your laurels. Maybe my insecurities stem from feeling like I could always be doing better in my job, as a wife, and as a mother. I just wonder when I'll finally cut myself some slack.

Any perspective on tackling this?

Neon

So I have a hangover. From two Cactus cups. That is downright embarrassing. My sojourn to Boilermaker territory last night was fabulous, however, so today's headache can suck it. Angela graciously agreed to venture with me to the Cactus, Purdue's piano bar/Indiana's largest dance club, and off we went! Getting out of the county was a bit of a struggle (stubbed two toes within two minutes and hit my head on my car door upon departure; sat at the pay window at McDonald's drive thru for an awkwardly long time before I realized there was a separate pick-up window; dropped a melty orange M&M on my white tank; and nearly collided with an SUV who turned into my lane) but the rest of our drive was filled with great conversation. When we reached West Lafayette we parked and headed onto campus for some sightseeing. I was in serious dork mode--I could have teared up looking at nearly every building I'd been in or hill I'd laid on. I honestly felt a sense of warmth for the nasty Union couches on which I used to nap between classes.

Anyway, we stopped for a few pictures (see below) and then met up with Kaveh, an amazing poet who student taught in our department this year. We grabbed Thai food, got ready, and walked down to the Cactus. We promptly turned around and walked back because we'd forgotten the two forms of I.D. rule. We found that ironic because we were maybe the oldest people in the bar, but the doorman was a stickler for rules. Lame. Once validated and inside, we rocked out to Piano Man Bruce, sat a few tables away from some Boilermaker basketball players (Robbie Hummel and Chris Kramer, to namedrop a couple), and had silly, college fun. We also spent some time on the dance floor, my home away from home. I like to think I'm a good dancer, but even if I'm not, put some good music on and you will find me shaking my tailfeather, getting my groove on, and a third reference for symmetry sake that I cannot think of right now. Angela and I have both mastered the art of dancing away from people we don't want to dance with, so with no creepers attached we laughed and bounced around and attempted to learn the wobble. I don't know where I've been for the last two years but it seemed like everyone in the club but me knew the moves. I'm working on it for my next dance club outing. I'm sure Zach will be thrilled. **Sarcasm**

Purdue's Bell Tower

Then we ventured up to campus for a Green Dragon at Harry's. I don't particularly like Green Dragons (melon liquer among other things) but it felt like a very Purdue way to end the night. There, next to the popcorn machine, we ran into some Sigma Chi guys we'd met earlier in the night. A giant conference was going on with representation from fraternities across the nation, so there were even more dudes than usual at Purdue. The two gentlemen by the popcorn were very friendly. Earlier, one of them (Jordan) had taught me to shag. Before you think I went all Kristen Stewart on my husband, rest assured. This type of shagging was done on the dance floor to southern music. Alex, the other gentleman, was nursing an amicable breakup with the girl he loves. Angela and I made it our mission at Harry's to find Jordan a girl and keep Alex from getting sad about his. Angela concocted a back story that we were two pairs of siblings, Jordan and I and she and Alex, all four of us were cousins, and I was in town interviewing for a new teaching position. Quite convoluted, but a sweet girl celebrating her 21st totally bought it and thought we were very nice sisters to be hanging out with our bros at a bar.

We made it safely back to Kaveh's for a short sleep before heading back home to return to our busy adult lives. It was a short but incredibly sweet walk down memory lane, a night to just have fun and make memories, and I am so happy we made the trip. I also relearned the chant piano bar patrons scream at someone caught texting. Sadly, there are zero words in the chant suitable for use in my classroom.

The next week is chock full to the brim of things to do. Cheerleading, dentist, parents' anniversary, waterpark, school prep, school prep, school prep. I'm tired just thinking about it all! And, I'm still hungover.




Me naturally posed atop the Engineering Fountain

Angela modeling ever so kindly for me

Heavilon Hall, home of English majors and countless hours of my life, soon to be torn down. I almost stole something from one of the classrooms but thought better of it.

Levels of excitement

This is my life: Levi's second tooth popped through today! I am stupidly excited about things like that now. I discuss poop consistency, frequency, and color on the regular. I find myself talking in my special higher-pitched happy Levi voice to the animals, my husband, and occasionally inanimate objects like the stove. I don't know how I'll survive going back to school in a week and a half. My students are either going to get an insane amount of attention as I attempt to distract myself from missing him or they will get earfuls of silly baby stories that most of them won't appreciate. On the last day of school 8 weeks ago I gave each of my students a note card and asked them to write one piece of advice for my incoming sophomores. Some were funny, like "Don't be slutty,"while others were school related, like admonishing students to do their homework or actually read the work I assign. One of my favorites, though, was, "Listen to the stupid stories Mrs. Kanney tells you because you never know when she'll put one of them as an extra credit question on a quiz." Success.

I'm taking the little one to the park here in a few for a long walk with a coworker. Norah will be there for her first cheerleading practice, and I have every intention of scoping out her squad whilst looking nonchalant. We'll see if her grandparents, or Norah for that matter, catch on to me. I always joke that I used to be a spy (I spent several years of my life scribbling like a maniac and sneaking around to eavesdrop thanks to my obsession with Harriet the Spy) so I can probably pull this off.

Tomorrow I'm taking my friend Angela to Purdue. I am also stupidly excited about this, particularly because I will be introducing her to the wonder that is the Neon Cactus. Expect a hilarious blog about what we encounter there (probably the realization that we are too old to go to the Cactus, but whatever.) Boiler up!