Day three of my third year of teaching, and about time I got back to the blog. The lead-up to this school year was more frenetic than usual; Norah started Pop Warner cheerleading, and on top of the typical back to school preparation I wanted to squeeze in as much last-minute summer fun as possible. Pretty much as a rule I put a lot of pressure on myself. Pressure to be on top of every detail in my family's life, pressure to constantly challenge myself, improve who I am, keep up with whomever. I added pressure this summer with goals of achieving/doing/seeing/creating more than I have in the past. We did have a great summer--bike rides, swimming, our Colorado trip, a visit to a waterpark, and so on. I did start the blog I'd wanted to. I did cook more often (though my once weekly new recipe plan did not pan out as I'd hoped.) I kind of worked out regularly. I did better at keeping in touch with friends and family. Overall, I'd chalk the summer of 2012 up to a success. Norah went to the dentist for the first time (no tears!), she had to get four shots in one visit (no tears again!), and Levi started crawling and got his first tooth. I've been lucky enough to land a new freelance writing position (yay!) and am looking into other side options for both financial and personal reasons. I'm also considering taking on the school's theater program. I know how important this program is to many of my students, and while I have little experience in that realm, I think I could step up and do a great job for the kids. We'll see where that goes.
With the start of a new school year, I've been reassessing. My wardrobe (some days I just absolutely have nothing to wear!), my free time (how to spend it most effectively), my bedtime (it's never early enough), and my psyche have all come under the microscope as of late. Most disconcerting has been the latter. I'm hopeful that the general sense of anxiety I feel is due to all of the newness around me and will soon fade, but I worry that a dark cloud appearing so early in the school year is a harbinger of worse things to come. It's possible that I'm merely adjusting to leaving Levi after so much time together. It's also possible (very possible) that I'm psyching myself out preemptively regarding the new teacher evaluation system soon to be implemented. I'm doing my best not to add to my anxiety by worrying about feeling anxious, but true to form, I cannot turn off my brain. Similarly, I cannot turn off the self-conscious meter that returned with my 120 high schoolers. Every pair of eyes feels like it's scrutinizing my every move, word, and clothing choice. We're still working out our kinks and getting to know each other, but man do I feel on display. I thought feeling like everyone is looking at you is a phase of adolescent development, so unless I'm turning into my students, something is off. Then I get on the guilt train and tell myself, "There are people in your community truly suffering, yet you can't stop thinking of your tiny problems and turn your perspective outward. Grow up." (My internal monologue is not usually that mean, but for the sake of being concise, I paraphrased.) I don't know when or how I'll truly find the confidence I claim to have. I had a conversation last night with a business owner, and she reminded me that when you invest yourself in your work, you never rest on your laurels. Maybe my insecurities stem from feeling like I could always be doing better in my job, as a wife, and as a mother. I just wonder when I'll finally cut myself some slack.
Any perspective on tackling this?
Perspective is the thing most people wish most people would gain. Good for you. I know the feeling of knowing you have it really great, but still getting down about the little things here and there. It's normal and natural, and best of all, it passes. Pretty soon something awesome happens and you realize how lucky you are. I'd say the only reason to freak out would be if those moments of awesomeness happen once a month instead of once a day...ya know?
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