On joining AA

Hi, I'm Erica, and I'm an anger-aholic.
*Hi, Erica*

I've been anger-free for one hour now. Acceptance of my problem is a recent development (you may not have even known I struggled with this.) Mired in denial for too long, I only recently came to grips with my demons. I have let the anxieties of school, my annoyances with child support and our attempt at "co"parenting with the Other, and my general high levels of stress this school year combine forces to create a giant, festering mass. That mass has risen like yeast into a surly menace called Anger. Anger rests at the base of my throat, barely contained, and erupts at a moment's notice. The tiniest things beckon him from dark hiding place: the dog refusing to leave her crate, my inability to open a paper clip today, the populace of La Porte forgetting the rules of the road once turn lanes are removed from Lincolnway. Anger is quick to speak, slow to retreat after emerging, impatient, and incredibly ugly. And he's got a mind of his own. He doesn't like to be controlled, and I've, until today, given up on attempting to rein him in.

Extended metaphor aside, I have been really tense and agitated lately, and in quiet moments I realize how heated I am for no discernible reason. I'm frustrated about a lot of things that aren't really in my power to control, but instead of letting go I'm holding on to my anger all the tighter in an inane attempt to gain control. Our finances have been another stealthy stressor for months now, lurking in the background and rearing their ugly head from time to time (always at the worst times, it seems). Basically I've been choosing anger over any alternative, and I cannot continue to function this way.

So, I'm choosing to adopt the AA prayer as my mantra: Allow me to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. I am choosing to release the festering mass to the atmosphere in a yogic exhale rather than continue to house Anger any longer. No Vacancy, buddy. An AA coin would be really helpful this week, something substantial I could finger in my pocket when my blood pressure begins to rise, a talisman to ward against Anger's insidiousness, a tangible reminder that there's no point in fretting the things I cannot change. Coin ornot, though, I must soldier on in my quest for sobriet. I must do this for my children, my students, and any unfortunate bystanders who've been on the receiving end of Anger's apperances as of late. Quest for acceptance, accepted, world.