On joining AA

Hi, I'm Erica, and I'm an anger-aholic.
*Hi, Erica*

I've been anger-free for one hour now. Acceptance of my problem is a recent development (you may not have even known I struggled with this.) Mired in denial for too long, I only recently came to grips with my demons. I have let the anxieties of school, my annoyances with child support and our attempt at "co"parenting with the Other, and my general high levels of stress this school year combine forces to create a giant, festering mass. That mass has risen like yeast into a surly menace called Anger. Anger rests at the base of my throat, barely contained, and erupts at a moment's notice. The tiniest things beckon him from dark hiding place: the dog refusing to leave her crate, my inability to open a paper clip today, the populace of La Porte forgetting the rules of the road once turn lanes are removed from Lincolnway. Anger is quick to speak, slow to retreat after emerging, impatient, and incredibly ugly. And he's got a mind of his own. He doesn't like to be controlled, and I've, until today, given up on attempting to rein him in.

Extended metaphor aside, I have been really tense and agitated lately, and in quiet moments I realize how heated I am for no discernible reason. I'm frustrated about a lot of things that aren't really in my power to control, but instead of letting go I'm holding on to my anger all the tighter in an inane attempt to gain control. Our finances have been another stealthy stressor for months now, lurking in the background and rearing their ugly head from time to time (always at the worst times, it seems). Basically I've been choosing anger over any alternative, and I cannot continue to function this way.

So, I'm choosing to adopt the AA prayer as my mantra: Allow me to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. I am choosing to release the festering mass to the atmosphere in a yogic exhale rather than continue to house Anger any longer. No Vacancy, buddy. An AA coin would be really helpful this week, something substantial I could finger in my pocket when my blood pressure begins to rise, a talisman to ward against Anger's insidiousness, a tangible reminder that there's no point in fretting the things I cannot change. Coin ornot, though, I must soldier on in my quest for sobriet. I must do this for my children, my students, and any unfortunate bystanders who've been on the receiving end of Anger's apperances as of late. Quest for acceptance, accepted, world.

So THAT's what 3 a.m. looks like

The hectic pace from my wedding weekend has not slowed, but I've got time to kill "watching" the kids (Norah is playing a game on her Leapster and Levi is pulling everything out of her bookshelf) so I thought I'd mentally purge some of the chaos. Tuesday and Wednesday marked my first auditions as play director. I'd been advertising for a couple of weeks and fielding questions regarding monologues (What's a monologue? What do I do with one?), but I had no true expectation of what the turn-out would be like. Luckily, I was pleasantly surprised. Fifteen or so students performed for me Tuesday, and another 20 yesterday. Their enthusiasm and dedication were so nice to see. I see hundreds of students filter through my classroom each day, and it can be easy to feel discouraged at the lack of interest or work. Seeing dozens of students prepare EXTRA work for an outside activity gave me a boost of "So this is why I do what I do!" I'm still hammering out the casting process (more of a puzzle than I could have imagined) but the official list will be tacked up outside my room by 7:15 tomorrow morning. My mentor advised hanging it up and them promptly locking my door to avoid tears and questions. While that's not normally my style, I can't say I'm not considering it. Luckily, there are a lot of roles for this adaptation, so even the less than stellar auditions can yield a small speaking part. I'm excited to see them tackle their lines and watch as the story comes together. I'll definitely keep you posted on that wild aspect of my life!

My fellow blogger Angela (check out her funny, thoughtful posts here) lamented recently about the immense pressure we feel this semester. The only noticeable difference is the heightened focus on formative and summative assessments (let's be honest--they're pre and post tests and few English teachers enjoy them), but it feels as though the stress load has at least quadrupled this year. I find myself thinking of a better way to present lessons while I'm trying to sleep at night. I'm worrying over modeling thesis statement writing while I play with Levi. It's like I can't as easily compartmentalize my job and my life anymore. I'm hoping once the first semester of the new evaluation system is under my belt I'll find my groove, but this breakneck pace is definitely taking its toll on me.

What doesn't help is my son's newfound night owl tendencies. I don't actually know if I can call it a habit yet, as last night was the first occurence, but it was a doozy. Levi woke up at 1:30, which he occasionally does to eat, so I made him a bottle and prepared to head back to bed within 10 minutes. An hour and another bottle later I realized that wasn't happening. So, 2:30 a.m saw me driving around downtown La Porte with my kid in tow. It was almost eerie how dead the streets were. I don't know why I assumed more people would be out and about at that time, but I was shocked to pass only two vehicles. I did see a couple walking hand in hand down the middle of State St. (leaving one of our many bars, I presume) and I got an up-close view of the street crew tearing up the median at the bottom of the overpass. I also noticed lights on in houses--I was trying to guess whether they were left on for an animal or for safety purposes or if an inhabitant happened to be awake like me. Once I reached my neighborhood again I saw a man pulling his SUV into his garage and I started making up a story about his work schedule and how he finds time to play with his sons (none of this had any basis except he was parking at 3 a.m.) The whole thing was bizarre and then turned voyeuristic, but the writer (and ex-spy) in me kind of enjoyed it.

We got home, baby silent, Mom thinking her trip did the trick, but then.... eyeballs. He was wide awake enjoying the drive as well. We ended up watching television until 5 when I was able to put him in his crib and grab an hour of sleep in bed before getting up and rushing into my day. Long story short (well, not short at all, I see) I was a bit frazzled and at a loss for words today. My students said I was "hyper," so I guess I muddled through OK. I so desperately wanted a nap this afternoon, but the hubs wasn't home. Now it's time for dinner, and then I'm off to the READ La Porte County Scrabble tournament to dominate with my partner, Ben. Dominate is used loosely here, because the last two years we got spanked by people who have memorized the Scrabble dictionary and can think as fast as machines. It's always a fun night, though, losing aside.

Hopefully I'm not mauled by disappointed actors tomorrow and I can report on a triumphant triple word score. Wishful thinking!

Happily ever after

The last four days have been a blur--I was in two weddings, which means two preparations and two celebrations. Today, then, is one much-deserved relaxation. More than that, though, it's a chance to reflect on the meaning of what I was a part of.
I was blessed this weekend to witness two breathtaking ceremonies (one an intimate, candle-lit affair with more joy and love than I've ever felt before, the other a family and friend-filled union with laughter and fun) between four people I care about immensely. My best friend Leslie married the love of her life in a rather sudden but all-the-more perfect ceremony at their church in Columbus, Indiana Thursday night. I took a half-day at school so I could make it down in time to help her get ready, and I'd already taken Friday off to help bride number 2 (Alex) set up her reception site. Thursday, I stood next to Leslie, proud, in awe of the love she and Jared share, overjoyed that I could support them as they promised to love one another through sickness and health, and I felt God's presence like never before. He and his angels made this union possible; every detail fell into place, from the "wedding fairies" setting up the site and having a gorgeous cake made in one day to the dress shop letting Leslie in after hours to find a dress that made all of us gasp. Their wedding was a proclamation of pure love--they want nothing more than to be together and to enjoy every moment to its fullest. The bride and groom literally beamed the entire time, theirs the only dry eyes in the house, and just like the Grinch, everyone felt their hearts grow two sizes that day as we watched the Rudes become one. A doctor's visit with some scary news pushed the wedding date up, and that weighed on everyone, but the wedding itself was a celebration, and I don't think it could have been any more perfect. Leslie deserves someone to adore her, and Jared does just that. It's undoubtable that they were made for one another. When the pastor said, "May your sorrows be halved and your happiness doubled because you have each other" I was reminded of exactly why we marry. A spouse is the true meaning of a partner, and though there are no guarantees about how much time we have with those we love, marriage allows us to be joined as partners forever.
Alex and Ben's ceremony was perfect in a totally different way. They have been a solid couple in our group of friends for years, a constant at gatherings, vacations, parties. Zach and I met at their house, and without them our marriage and family wouldn't exist. Doc and Alex, as everyone calls them, are one of those couples who make it look effortless. They're comfortable. There's no drama, just a feeling of easiness. They are the best and most loyal friends we could have asked for, and we were honored to be a part of the Martinsen wedding par-tay.
The priest's words were, for lack of a  better word, honest. He made me analyze how I approach my own marriage, and I was reminded of the fact that I made  a promise to Zach when I said "I do." I don't get to quit when things get tough. I gave my word that I would work at this thing, that I'd be honest and forgiving and his partner even when I don't want to be. The priest said that in those moments when we question why we're married or how the union can continue we should realize that God is sending us a message that we need to reflect His love more in that moment. Every disagreement or lull in the romance is a chance for us to reassess how we contribute to or do a disservice to the partnership. I was struck by the honesty of the sermon and felt encouraged that it isn't always supposed to be perfect, but the love behind the marriage still is.

I'm left feeling grateful that I have found such a giving partner to share this life with, inspired to embrace the blessings of each day and focus on the positives, and humbled by the paths handed to us that we cannot understand. Love is priceless, and I want nothing more than for everyone I love to feel its power the way Jared, Leslie, Alex, and Ben now get to. Here's to their (and your) happily ever after.

Directions

Well hello, blog readers. How have you been these last few weeks? Mama Wild has been very busy and probably very lazy, explaining my absence from the blogosphere as of late. Things in the Wild household are just dandy. Norah is thriving in kindergarten and loving cheerleading (although at times she thinks it's ruining her life, like when she couldn't get the glitter tattoo she wanted at a recent festival or when she has to go to bed early on a weekend night). Levi has started babbling what sound like words (Mamamama or baba or Dadada) and he is thisclose to walking. He's also turning into a giant flirt. Last night I took him with me to a high school volleyball game to support my students and their coach, my coworker. He was hamming it up big time with all of the girls around us, particularly another baby, Kate. Future romance in the works? I think we have a lady killer on our hands.

Zach and I are coming up on our second wedding anniversary, and unlike last year, when Mama was 8 months pregnant, we shall CELEBRATE! I don't know what we're doing yet, but the surprise-lover in me is waiting with bated breath. The realist side of me knows that Mr. Wild isn't huge on surprises, or planning, so she is waiting with a normal level of anticipation. A few days after our anniversary our friends Doc and Alex are getting married, and we're both in the wedding. We met at their house a few years ago at Alex's birthday party (an 80's themed costume party, to be exact) and they have always been amazing friends. September is shaping up to be a great month already!

Our Labor Day weekend was filled with plenty of family time. We took the kids to the Blueberry Festival in Plymouth, our first time, and thoroughly enjoyed ourselves. The fresh blueberry donuts are more than worth the wait. Norah had a game, we took her bike out a few times (she's working on her speed these days), and she and I created my very first Pinterest craft, a wreath for our front door. It was fun to work on it together, and I'm pretty proud of the outcome.


In school news, I am officially the director of the fall play! I found this out today, by happenstance, so now I'm thinking crap, I better get to planning. I've been perusing playbook listings since I applied for the position, but with more of a curious eye as to what's out there. I have little theater experience, but I know I can put a lot of hard work into this and help my students put on a stellar show. I'll document the experience as I figure out what the heck I'm doing.

With fall's unofficial arrival this week, I plugged in Glade's new Maple Pumpkin scent (divine) and am DYING for a pumpkin spice latte from Starbuck's. I've also started planning the kids' Halloween costumes and am brainstorming for Levi's first birthday party. I cannot believe he's old enough for that to even be on the horizon, but it is. He is becoming a little boy more and more each day. I'm definitely holding on to baby phase for as long as I can.

I've got grading to do (I always have grading to do, though, let's be honest) and I promised myself a date with Powercut at the Y. I'm also halfway through an amazing novel, The Story of Edgar Sawtelle, and I can't seem to put it down. I also have a baby to snuggle, so I must be off. Stay tuned for theater travails and triumphs--I'm sure it'll be wild!

All about perspective

Day three of my third year of teaching, and about time I got back to the blog. The lead-up to this school year was more frenetic than usual; Norah started Pop Warner cheerleading, and on top of the typical back to school preparation I wanted to squeeze in as much last-minute summer fun as possible. Pretty much as a rule I put a lot of pressure on myself. Pressure to be on top of every detail in my family's life, pressure to constantly challenge myself, improve who I am, keep up with whomever. I added pressure this summer with goals of achieving/doing/seeing/creating more than I have in the past. We did have a great summer--bike rides, swimming, our Colorado trip, a visit to a waterpark, and so on. I did start the blog I'd wanted to. I did cook more often (though my once weekly new recipe plan did not pan out as I'd hoped.) I kind of worked out regularly. I did better at keeping in touch with friends and family. Overall, I'd chalk the summer of 2012 up to a success. Norah went to the dentist for the first time (no tears!), she had to get four shots in one visit (no tears again!), and Levi started crawling and got his first tooth. I've been lucky enough to land a new freelance writing position (yay!) and am looking into other side options for both financial and personal reasons. I'm also considering taking on the school's theater program. I know how important this program is to many of my students, and while I have little experience in that realm, I think I could step up and do a great job for the kids. We'll see where that goes.

With the start of a new school year, I've been reassessing. My wardrobe (some days I just absolutely have nothing to wear!), my free time (how to spend it most effectively), my bedtime (it's never early enough), and my psyche have all come under the microscope as of late. Most disconcerting has been the latter. I'm hopeful that the general sense of anxiety I feel is due to all of the newness around me and will soon fade, but I worry that  a dark cloud appearing so early in the school year is a harbinger of worse things to come. It's possible that I'm merely adjusting to leaving Levi after so much time together. It's also possible (very possible) that I'm  psyching myself out preemptively regarding the new teacher evaluation system soon to be implemented. I'm doing my best not to add to my anxiety by worrying about feeling anxious, but true to form, I cannot turn off my brain. Similarly, I cannot turn off the self-conscious meter that returned with my 120 high schoolers. Every pair of eyes feels like it's scrutinizing my every move, word, and clothing choice. We're still working out our kinks and getting to know each other, but man do I feel on display. I thought feeling like everyone is looking at you is a phase of adolescent development, so unless I'm turning into my students, something is off. Then I get on the guilt train and tell myself, "There are people in your community truly suffering, yet you can't stop thinking of your tiny problems and turn your perspective outward. Grow up." (My internal monologue is not usually that mean, but for the sake of being concise, I paraphrased.)  I don't know when or how I'll truly find the confidence I claim to have. I had a conversation last night with a business owner, and she reminded me that when you invest yourself in your work, you never rest on your laurels. Maybe my insecurities stem from feeling like I could always be doing better in my job, as a wife, and as a mother. I just wonder when I'll finally cut myself some slack.

Any perspective on tackling this?

Neon

So I have a hangover. From two Cactus cups. That is downright embarrassing. My sojourn to Boilermaker territory last night was fabulous, however, so today's headache can suck it. Angela graciously agreed to venture with me to the Cactus, Purdue's piano bar/Indiana's largest dance club, and off we went! Getting out of the county was a bit of a struggle (stubbed two toes within two minutes and hit my head on my car door upon departure; sat at the pay window at McDonald's drive thru for an awkwardly long time before I realized there was a separate pick-up window; dropped a melty orange M&M on my white tank; and nearly collided with an SUV who turned into my lane) but the rest of our drive was filled with great conversation. When we reached West Lafayette we parked and headed onto campus for some sightseeing. I was in serious dork mode--I could have teared up looking at nearly every building I'd been in or hill I'd laid on. I honestly felt a sense of warmth for the nasty Union couches on which I used to nap between classes.

Anyway, we stopped for a few pictures (see below) and then met up with Kaveh, an amazing poet who student taught in our department this year. We grabbed Thai food, got ready, and walked down to the Cactus. We promptly turned around and walked back because we'd forgotten the two forms of I.D. rule. We found that ironic because we were maybe the oldest people in the bar, but the doorman was a stickler for rules. Lame. Once validated and inside, we rocked out to Piano Man Bruce, sat a few tables away from some Boilermaker basketball players (Robbie Hummel and Chris Kramer, to namedrop a couple), and had silly, college fun. We also spent some time on the dance floor, my home away from home. I like to think I'm a good dancer, but even if I'm not, put some good music on and you will find me shaking my tailfeather, getting my groove on, and a third reference for symmetry sake that I cannot think of right now. Angela and I have both mastered the art of dancing away from people we don't want to dance with, so with no creepers attached we laughed and bounced around and attempted to learn the wobble. I don't know where I've been for the last two years but it seemed like everyone in the club but me knew the moves. I'm working on it for my next dance club outing. I'm sure Zach will be thrilled. **Sarcasm**

Purdue's Bell Tower

Then we ventured up to campus for a Green Dragon at Harry's. I don't particularly like Green Dragons (melon liquer among other things) but it felt like a very Purdue way to end the night. There, next to the popcorn machine, we ran into some Sigma Chi guys we'd met earlier in the night. A giant conference was going on with representation from fraternities across the nation, so there were even more dudes than usual at Purdue. The two gentlemen by the popcorn were very friendly. Earlier, one of them (Jordan) had taught me to shag. Before you think I went all Kristen Stewart on my husband, rest assured. This type of shagging was done on the dance floor to southern music. Alex, the other gentleman, was nursing an amicable breakup with the girl he loves. Angela and I made it our mission at Harry's to find Jordan a girl and keep Alex from getting sad about his. Angela concocted a back story that we were two pairs of siblings, Jordan and I and she and Alex, all four of us were cousins, and I was in town interviewing for a new teaching position. Quite convoluted, but a sweet girl celebrating her 21st totally bought it and thought we were very nice sisters to be hanging out with our bros at a bar.

We made it safely back to Kaveh's for a short sleep before heading back home to return to our busy adult lives. It was a short but incredibly sweet walk down memory lane, a night to just have fun and make memories, and I am so happy we made the trip. I also relearned the chant piano bar patrons scream at someone caught texting. Sadly, there are zero words in the chant suitable for use in my classroom.

The next week is chock full to the brim of things to do. Cheerleading, dentist, parents' anniversary, waterpark, school prep, school prep, school prep. I'm tired just thinking about it all! And, I'm still hungover.




Me naturally posed atop the Engineering Fountain

Angela modeling ever so kindly for me

Heavilon Hall, home of English majors and countless hours of my life, soon to be torn down. I almost stole something from one of the classrooms but thought better of it.

Levels of excitement

This is my life: Levi's second tooth popped through today! I am stupidly excited about things like that now. I discuss poop consistency, frequency, and color on the regular. I find myself talking in my special higher-pitched happy Levi voice to the animals, my husband, and occasionally inanimate objects like the stove. I don't know how I'll survive going back to school in a week and a half. My students are either going to get an insane amount of attention as I attempt to distract myself from missing him or they will get earfuls of silly baby stories that most of them won't appreciate. On the last day of school 8 weeks ago I gave each of my students a note card and asked them to write one piece of advice for my incoming sophomores. Some were funny, like "Don't be slutty,"while others were school related, like admonishing students to do their homework or actually read the work I assign. One of my favorites, though, was, "Listen to the stupid stories Mrs. Kanney tells you because you never know when she'll put one of them as an extra credit question on a quiz." Success.

I'm taking the little one to the park here in a few for a long walk with a coworker. Norah will be there for her first cheerleading practice, and I have every intention of scoping out her squad whilst looking nonchalant. We'll see if her grandparents, or Norah for that matter, catch on to me. I always joke that I used to be a spy (I spent several years of my life scribbling like a maniac and sneaking around to eavesdrop thanks to my obsession with Harriet the Spy) so I can probably pull this off.

Tomorrow I'm taking my friend Angela to Purdue. I am also stupidly excited about this, particularly because I will be introducing her to the wonder that is the Neon Cactus. Expect a hilarious blog about what we encounter there (probably the realization that we are too old to go to the Cactus, but whatever.) Boiler up!